29 August, 2008


Dear Mr. Tony,
Thanks for your participation in this important discussion.
There are Nigerians who believe that going to Nigeria to marry "field workers" (kids who can be groomed to become nurses or Nigerian trained nurses) mean potential source of wealth.
Wrong. They grow up and become intolerant of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse met on them by their sugar daddies..so called husbands.

Our Nigerian men here refuse to marry the young US-Nigerians but go to Nigeria to seek "virgins" or "novices", nurses, doctors, pharmacists, etc out of ignorance. They forget that the novice learns from examples, life experiences, training and over time. In some cases, they become worst than the Nigerians they left here who already know how this place functions. I always wish them good luck because I know they are going to need it.

I remember growing up in Nigeria and the shock I experienced when I got here and discovered how much I did not know about life. I quickly told myself to get with it or be eaten alive. I learned, adjusted, and blended. Well, I can tell you that the old me was shed off almost 30 years ago. I had no choice. I had to survive in the big city with 45 storey


Therefore when an imported girl, yet to be a woman, a year later, tells the 48-60 year old, start-over husband to get lost, or wake up and smell the coffee, it comes as a rude awakening to him too. After all, he paid $3000-$4000 in flight ticket fares just to fly him and his bride back to the US when he went to finalize the import arrangement; not minding the green card rigorous process and charges, the waiting period, the long distance phone calls, and western union fees paid for her tuition to finish high school or college and money given to her parents while he was wooing her. It is not cheap to marry and bring a woman from home. But it is wrong to assume that they are going to be your future meal ticket and vice versa. Wrong!! Wrong!!!, Wrong!!!!

Fact: Some of them assume that the number of times you have had sex with them and the number of children they have had and pregnancy pains pays for all that. Secondly, a nurse goes through 4 to 6 years of intensive training, sleepless nights for exams and then takes the mother of them all, board exam. After that, she works 12 hours every night for 3-5 days a week without sleep along with menstrual cramps, monthly periods, crying, needy babies, and 4-6 pregnancies. This means a bunch of very angry and irritable women. It is only with the grace of God that you find a calm nurse. Therefore, if you bring up matters that should only be discussed during vacations, she might snap at you. In fact, I would not accuse a woman who works 12 hours and sleeps during the day, cooks, cleans, nurses infants, goes to day care centers for pick up and drop offs, and attends Nigerian meetings 3 times a month, participates in church activities in the community, of having affairs. She might bite you. If I were you, I would go back to school to study nursing like your wives so that you can understand what she is going through. And if you feel too macho to do so, just shut up and accept the new wife.

I mean no disrespect to the women married and brought here. I want the same for my sisters at home too because it will help them get green card and I will send less money through Western and pay less Western Union fees. So bravo for the winners. Just don't get yourselves killed. Ask questions before you marry the been-to.
God bless you. I care.

Sir Phil.
PRO, PRO and Vice president.
President and CEO of Nwarueze Enterprizes.

Dear friends,

It is well worth it in most cases to go home and find a wife or husband if one is having difficulty finding one here to marry.

But I am using the word "find" very loosely here. Please know that it is ridiculous for anyone to think that one "find" a spouse. If you choose to find one because you think you know better or believe there is no God, I pray the God helps you keep your choice and improve your lives abundantly while He prepares your heart to be born again.

Life partners do not get found by us or picked by us. The Lord selects our partners, and sets up the right circumstances for us to meet. Examples of marriages that are predetermined by God are those marital relationships that last for decades with minimal conflicts. What I consider minimal are those that do not result in severe irreparable damages. Simple everyday arguments are expected and allowed. They also make one more human. They allow the partners to see what bugs them. It is usually short and can be overcome with a serious massage and Ewedu, Edi-kanko, Egusi and serious Ogbono soup for a fufu loving husband. Simply put, farinate him. If you think I am mistaking, watch a men with pot belly. He is more likely to hold his wife's hand, wear uniforms with her to a party, Carry the youngest baby with one hand while balancing her on his stomach than the tall, slim, firm, muscular man with eternal roving eyes. We have a few like that in my community. Although they argue, Banga soup and synthesized pounded yam usually does the trick before the inner room.

Like I was saying before I started thinking about fufu and romance, God brings a spouse to a person. When people attempt to force the issue, "find" one themselves, they run into all kinds of difficulties. Have you noticed that the wife that was easiest to woo is usually the one that gives you the least headache? It is because before you were born, before you were ready to get married, before you opened your mouth to ask for his/her hand in marriage, he/she was chosen for you by God.

Therefore, if you don't go looking, but pray and follow your heart when you are ready, but keep your hands, heart, and mouth clean (I am not referring to only brushing your teeth), she/he will be at the right place at the right time when you are ready. Have you noticed how most good pastors seem to find the best girl in the village and the bad ones marry the village bitches?

A Niger brother just went home to find a wife like several others. The first one that was recommended had always asked him to bring this and that. He had spent several thousand dollars on her until he decided to visit her. When he arrived, she did not come to the airport to welcome him. He stayed in Lagos for a few days and did not see her. He finally decided to go to the village to see her and ask why she did not come to Lagos knowing that her beloved future husband candidate was coming from abroad and is now in town. The first thing she said to him when she set eyes on him was Welcome, where is that --------------- you promised to buy and bring to me. He was so disappointed that he took the gift back; after-all she was an ordinary Pharmacist. Considering that someone had recently recommended a doctor, he ran back to the city to get engaged to the doctor he had neither met nor spoken to before. She was a better commodity and was going to be a better source of income. To him I say "wait until she comes to the USA and takes the intensive course in preparation for the difficult medical board exam and then we'll know whether or not she will hand over her paychecks. I will wish you all good luck.

To the good wives and husbands, from home, I will say bravo. Keep on loving because love conquers all. There are still very many Nigerians without AIDS and very many who have not started wearing tight jeans, and do not speak with fake American accent.


For the men in the USA, I will say, look around here first and then go home but do not rush into things. Lower your standards a bit. Also, keep the age difference between 2-10 years. 11-30 years is too much. She might feel as if she is sleeping with her father. Be a lover, learn to caress, learn to share the domestic workload, learn to play with her, the children and all of the family members together. Go to church together and learn to lead in prayer sessions. Watch TV together, shop together, go out for drinks with her alone, go on dates, and basically continue courting her. She will be the best you've ever known.


Do all the things I recommended for the men but most importantly, give him his space, rub his back, massages his stomach to enable the fufu to digest because you know he is not going to jug, run or walk, or to go to the Gym. Nibble on his ears if it is clean, rub his hair, and take care of him all over. He may be a man but he can still use some motherly nurturing like one of your babies. Real men do place their heads on their wife's shoulders or lap. If he does not do that, he does not know what he is missing. It might be all it will take for you to say " yes daddy" like the Phillipinos. Don't make him like their men though. They tend to reverse the family roles from too much "yes daddying".
That reminds me, is that why they do not kill their wives even though 99% of their women are nurses? Hmmmmmm.

God bless you all.


Chukwubike said...

Hi Philo,
Thank you for the recipes. I suppose almost everyone need a piece of it.

Obi Ekwonna said...

You left usury out. That is also why some of those Nigerian ladies resident in Nigeria marry older Nigerian men living in the U.S.

Obi Ekwonna, publisher, Rising Star Publishers

Chukwubike said...

Hi Mr Ekwonna.
You are correct. Many people are so much afraid of being accused of not being sensitive or supporting murder, therefore we tend to overlook even some of the elementary factors that cause these problems.
No reason will be enough for a man to take the life of his spouse as shown in these cases but we tend in these debates to forget to search round the circle for the causes. 'The women are the ones being killed therefore I must support them' is the over sentimentalism that has been applied in most writings on this issue.
You know as well as I do that most of these ladies never liked getting married to most of those American fellows. They (most) do it for pure usury in all sense of it.To help out the family etc etc...Especially our Igbo girls. Let's face the facts.
Some, as they get married plan at same time on how to ditch the guy in the States for another person of their choice.
I remember a neighbor of my friend in Enugu; years ago who the girl friend go married to a fellow in America and on the igba-nkwu day she told him before us that she would be coming to take him some day... We laughed at her 'fantasies' (as I thought). You know what .. she did it to the displeasure of her parents - I must admit and the poor old American naija man nearly killed himself.
As Jerry Stephens said in one of his write ups- there should be a good research on this phenomenon. If we continue to hide under simple sentimentalism the ugly show will continue.
I stop for now.
Charles Okey.C

Anonymous said...

i am happy people are getting the courage to say all the truth on the issue, than hiding under false covers

Anonymous said...

No general recipe for relationships.. what works for A may not necessarily work for B. People should be allowed to do what they feel to need to do in their lives. So i say shove it!

Anonymous said...

@anonymous.... I suppose you mean ....doing things that are neither harmful to themselves nor to others...
(Rome Italy)